The rules for men and women

A Woman's 50 Rules for Men

1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11. "Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag," "Lazy," and "Witch" are bad.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better kissers.
15. Her cooking is excellent.
16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17. Dishsoap is your friend.
18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
19. Buying her dinner does not equal NCMO.
20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
22. Two words: clean socks.
23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.
24. Burping is not sexy.
25. You're wrong.
26. You're sorry.
27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
28. Ditto for your discourse on football.
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
33. "No," means "No." "Yes," means "Yes." Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
42. Think boxers.
43. Silk boxers.
44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so names.
45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
46. Her haircut is never bad.
47. Don't let your friends pick on her.
48. Call.
49. Don't lie.
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your behind smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything.

A man's 50 rules for women.

1. Learn to count...don't leave out numbers like 3.
2. Learn to accept. We'll get to it when we get to it.
3. Yes. My inlaws ARE from another world.
4. No. Sex is not optional.
5. You're the one who wanted a child... don't blame child birth on me.
6. Grunts are acceptable answers... it is up to you to learn the language.
7. No. I don't want a bunch of pictures clouding my desk at work.
8. God is not a woman.
9. Chivalry is not dead. It's just resting.
10. You're the one that started the conversation about equal rights...don't whine about having responsibilies.
11. Tampons and pads do not belong in my car/briefcase/office/toolbox/etc.
12. If you ask... I'll answer... don't ask questions that you don't want the answer to. e.g. "Do I look fat?" "Is she prettier than me? etc.
13. It's my thought. Leave it alone.
14. It's really NOT what it looks like.
15. When I'm at work, I'm working... quite asking.
16. I clean my tools. You clean your dishes. Fair trade. Nuff said.
17. Just because I can't explain it to you doesn't mean I don't have a reason.
18. I'm right. Always.
19. It's a man thing. Just accept it.
20. I pay the phone bill. Don't ask who I'm talking to.
21. I pay the phone bill. I have a right to ask who you're talking to.
22. I have my own system. Don't reorganize my stuff.
23. If you don't understand it, leave it alone.
24. My body tells me what to eat. It knows better than you what I need. 25. Lingerie is meant to be worn.
26. Yes. I do need it... Because.
27. Because is an answer.
28. Getting ready doesn't take an hour.
29. Shopping can be completed in 15 minutes.
30. Hardware stores are an acceptable exception.
31. When I'm busy, don't ask me questions.
32. When I'm busy, don't ask me to run errands and do other things on your list.
33. When I'm watching tv, I'm busy.
34. When I'm napping, I'm busy.
35. It's YOUR list not mine. If I want a list, I'll make one.
36. Bedtime is not the time to talk.
37. I need more than 18 inches of the bed to sleep in.
38. If you don't want to know that she was nicer, prettier, and a better kisser, don't ask.
39. It's not my fault that you don't understand cool cars and sports.
40. Chick flicks do not constitute forms of entertainment.
41. When I am watching the beauty pageant or a swimsuit competition, I am simply making sure that the judges are being fair.
42. Think lingerie.
43. Silk lingerie.
44. I didn't forget it... I'm merely delaying it for the anticipation effect.
45. I'm not staring at her. I'm noticing the beauty background scenes.
46. No. I do not read minds.
47. Don't pick on my friends.
48. No. I don't need to look at the map. The guy on the corner doesn't know either.
49. If you're awake, why should I get up.
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without questions. The fact that I have to go to work while you sit home on your behind eating cookies isn't either. It all balances out.

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Last modified November 23, 2001
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